It's official - We are a species apart

I guess singles have finally arrived as a separte species or at least culture of humanity. This morning I was channel surfing. (Our church is sharing facilities temporarily and we don't have Sunday Morning services which I miss terribly) Anyway, I came in on the middle of some sort of "special report." It was one of those "What's it like" type of reports where the reporter goes out to experience life as some type of person that is exotic or odd like a fighter pilot, a disabled person in a wheelchair, the opposite sex or something. In this case, she was going to a football game - hold onto your seats, this will shock and possibly disturb you - ALONE!!!!!!!

Of course, she wanders around in the parking lot looking pathetic until a family "adopts" here. And somehow in spite of this unnatural experiment in singleness she ends up enjoying the game. Of course, she will never do it again I'm sure.

I'm watching this and thinking, is this what the rest of the world thinks about us. That we can't enjoy life without some guy (or woman) in tow. If I only went to things with people, I would never go anywhere. And I am not to be pitied or "adopted" by "normal" people who are there with friends, family or a date. I am complete in myself. Yet, .... yet.... yet.... I have gone to the play and sat looking at the other tables (dinner theatre) with everyone else there with someone and feeling left out. Not because I couldn't enjoy the play without another person sitting there, but because I felt that somehow I was substandard, abnormal, or unworthy to be there.

I sometimes wonder if that motivates many singles as much as a natural desire for companionship. Perhaps we are also motivated by a culture that makes going to a sporting event alone something worthy of national television coverage.

Why Committed Part 2 - Power of Commitment

I wrote this once before and then lost the text. Maybe it needs reworking.

One of the most important reasons for being a "committed" single is that it shifts your direction and goal in life.

Our commitments and decisions drive our futures. When you commit to marriage, your future changes. You begin to plan your life differently. You make plans (or you should) that take into account your spouse. If you are living life committed to finding a mate (whether you ever do or not), that affects how you pursue life as well.

What is ineffective in life planning is the lack of planning and the lack of commitment. Someone said "No one plans to fail, they just fail to plan." This is true in a lot of areas of life.

The idea that you just go ahead and just let a relationship either happen or not without caring one way or another is not only irresponsible, it's also impossible. If you question people who claim this is how they deal with it, you find out that they usually are hoping to find that great person, they just are unsure they ever will.

You see, if I had committed to finding a relationship, I would pursue that. It wouldn't be my only pursuit, but I would make time for it, and I wouldn't involve myself in other activities without considering that possibility. I might never find that relationship, but I would pursue it. One does not need to acquire the Grail for the quest to be worthwhile.

But for me, that quest wasn't important. I look back and see that in the days I was pursuing a relationship, I did it half heartedly. I didn't pour myself into the quest like I do say web ministry or teaching. That should have given me a hint. It was not a high priority.

The power of making a specific commitment is that it helps to clarify your path. When I took my job at the college, I could begin to design a portion of my life around that commitment. That design was different than if I had become a PR person or a radio personality (both jobs I've held).

Committing to singleness gave some of the same clarity of purpose. I now know that I can leave myself open to certain ministry opportunities and certain career paths that would have been problematic if I was trying to juggle ministry, a career and a family.

I'm 7 years from retirement. The nature of my retirement planning is different. I am only planning for one. It's a different planning than if I planned to spend the next third of my life with someone else.

Commitment then gives direction and moves you forward in life. It's like you come to a crossroad. You can choose one path or the other and move on. Or you can set up a camp at the crossroad and wait for something to come along that drags you up that path. You can waste a lot of time at crossroads. I know. I did. Now, I'm moving on.

Why Committed Part 1

Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who don't understand the concept of a "committed single" and who say things like, "Well, you can live a full single life, but keep your options open God might send along that right person, yet." Others are more offensive and say outright, "That's all well and good, but if someone actually took an interest in you, you would lose that committment real fast." That's insulting on two levels. The first level is the assumption that no one has been attracted to me. (Some have, not many but some) and secondly, that my level of commitment to God is so shallow that I would turn aside for a pretty face.

The first one, though, is more subtle and all the harder to deal with because it is couched in "church-speak." God may send the right one along. You don't want to miss God is what they are saying. It assumes first that this type of commitment was made without my spending many hours in prayer before God concerning this decision and secondly it assumes that God is the great matchmaker in the sky who overrides everyone's free will to force them into marriages. It also ignores the seriousness of a commitment.

Perhaps if we used a more old-fashioned word, it may be more understandable. Perhaps if we used the word Vow. While it may not be made in front of an altar surrounded by family and the church, most of us who truly consider ourselves "committed singles" have made a vow before God to remain single and in His service.

You see, this moves it out of the venue of simply being happy being a single person, but being ready to forsake that for the right guy. It is saying, this is something I have prayerfully committed, promised, vowed to God that I would do in His service.

Perhaps the problem is that the spirit of the age shuns commitment. It says I will work for this organization until I get a better offer. I will go to this church until I find a better preacher at another church. I will marry this person and be faithful to them until I find someone better or the going gets tough in the marriage.

We live in a world where everyone is "keeping their options open."

But true vigor and strength of effort come with commitment. If I commit myself to my job and my employer, I work for more than a paycheck. I work for the honor of the organization and my association with it. I think long term with that company. I plan projects that will bear fruit not just months but years down the road. I plant forests and not gardens.

If I commit myself to my church, I develop relationships and ministries that are enthusiastically linked to that commitment. I am single minded in helping that church develop it's ministry to its fullest potential.

If I commit myself to a marriage totally, I am not looking at other men as possible replacements for my husband. I am working with a focused vigor to improve and stabilize our relationship for the long haul making it the best it can be even during the hard times.

So it is with a commitment to singleness. I am single-minded in the vow I made. I don't flirt with the new guy at church or post an ad on a dating site "just in case" and say, "Yes, I'm committed to being single unless I find a better offer."

So, why be committed? The first reason is that it creates a singleness of purpose and sets a focus in ones life. It strips away the other relationship concerns that can impede the fullness of enthusiasm for this particular type of life.

The second important reason is focus and planning. We will speak of these in our next entry.

The Un-Marriage Ceremony

I've been talking to a committed single friend of mine about how the married people have all the breaks beginning with the wedding itself. It starts with a shower where you get gifts. Then there is the wedding itself where you can wear a beautiful long white dress, attended by your friends, in the presence of your family and friends. Oh, and you get more gifts.

Well, we should get equal time. It should start
with an Old Maid shower. After all, just cause you are single
doesn't mean you couldn't use a toaster, a crock pot and some nice
dishes (not to mention some cool lingere). Then the ceremony. You walk down the aisle alone with your friends behind you to show that just because you are not
married you are not alone. You could then pledge yourself to God as a single person to serve him and his people. Your friends then pledge themselves to you as supporting you as their friend.

Then you have a reception (and another set of gifts) And you go on a
great trip on your own to celebrate. Maybe instead of Niagra where water falls down into a great chasm, we'd go to Yellowstone where Old Faithful pushes tons of hot water heavenward.

Okay, I'm only half joking. In some ways, a point of commitment at
a given place and time in the presence of your community of faith
might actually provide a type of respectability to being single by
choice.

I am a big believer in the power of ritual. Change points in our lives are marked by them. Graduations, parties, sweet 16 or quincinnera (sp), weddings, dedications,
baptisms, they all celebrate the passages of life. They also draw a line between the old and the new.

Most of us come to many of our passages gradually. We spend years studying to reach graduation. We gradually fall in love or come to the point of commitment to Christ. But all of these processes culminate in some sort of community celebration, a time of joyful sharing with family and friends, and possibly most importantly a
specific date and time that you can point to and say, "That's when my life changed."

It isn't true, actually. It had been changing for some time, but it gives one a point of change and a certainty of decision. While one may well divorce or backslide or decide their education wasn't worth the work, there is still that single moment in time
which defined a portion of their life. It was also a point in time when it was made public. The decision was confirmed as valid by the presence of the community to witness the culmination of the working out of that decision.

One does not hear someone say a day or two after getting married, "Well, maybe you'll change your mind and divorce the boy. You need to leave your options open. God may have someone else for you."

Yet, more than once after telling people about my decision to remain single, I've heard, "Well, that's fine, but keep your options open." It is as if my commitment to serving God as a single is less valid than that made to serving a man in marriage. If I am serious about my vow (yes, I will use that word) to God and my family and friends that I will remain single in order to serve others and God in a way I
could not as a married person, then I would not "keep my options" open any less than if I had made a vow to be faithful to a husband.

Maybe a ceremony of some sort would provide the closure we need and our family and friends need in order to see this as a valid life path which is no less committed than marriage.

I doubt such a thing will be seen in my lifetime. Perhaps never. The numbers are too few for whom this path is best. Still, it would be nice to have some sort of ceremony, if for no other reason than to be the center of attention in a long white dress.

Single, but an Adult

I was walking across campus at school friday when I observed an interesting interchange. A professor saw one of his students heading off campus. He waved at the guy, who was in his late 20's, and said, "Have a great weekend. I bet a single guy like you will be heading for the coast." The young man looked a bit annoyed and said back, "Actually, I'm doing some repairs around the house," then added what I considered a wonderful line, "I may be single, but I'm still an adult."

One of the myths about being single is that you are somehow a perpetual minor without any responsibilities. I think this comes from people who got married right out of college or high school. For them, marriage and family occurs just about the same time that they get their first responsible job and move out of the dorm or parents house. But for those of us who have been on our own for many years, we have most the same responsibilities of a married person.

I rent a three bedroom house. It needs to be cleaned. The lawn needs mowing. The garbage needs to be taken out. All just as if I were married. The only difference is that I don't have a "honey-do" list because if it gets done I have to do it or pay someone. Now, I make a good income and do have a gardener now. But in the past I didn't. Cooking for one or cooking for two takes just as much time.

But the assumption is that we don't have responsibilities. This often leads some to consider us as "public property." I've had my bosses ask me to take on extra duties, not because I am qualified or valued, but because, "you don't have a family and all the family people can't ...." In other words I'm an after thought.

Even the church often pushes jobs onto singles that the marrieds are "too busy" to do, yet in many church settings, we are barred from leadership positions because of our unmarried status.

So, yes, I am single, but I'm also an adult. I do have responsibilities. And I take care of those responsibilities.

Read any Good Love Stories?

Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm not in love. In fact, I have some love letters sitting right here on my desk. As I was preparing my daily devotion, I ran across this one which I thought was perfect for Valentines Day regardless of marital status.:

If today you went out to your mailbox and found a letter addressed to you with your name followed by "To: My beloved" and you looked up into the left top corner of the envelope and saw the return address, "Your Heavenly Father, The Celestial Palace, New Jerusalem, Heaven 77777,"

I'll bet you would open that letter first. Well, there is such a letter. It's not in your mailbox, it's right in front of you. No surprise, it is the Bible. This love letter took eons to create and nearly 1500 years to record. God went through more than 38 secretaries in the process. It's a marvelous letter. In it He tells a lot of the old family stories, reminds us about our older brothers and sisters, and tells us what he plans to do later on.

Like any love letter it is full of promises, but these are not the promises of some human suitor's fantasy. These are promises which are sure and certain. They will happen there is no doubt about that. He gives us a lot of advice in this letter. Since the writer is the source of wisdom itself, this advice is always sound. In the letter, the author reveals his heart. He tells us how he
rejoices over his beloved. He tells us how he longs for her even when she has disappointed him. He shows us what causes him pain and what brings him joy.

But the theme that runs throughout this letter is simple: "I Love You!"

Have you read your love letter today?

Of Love, Valentines And Super Bowl Sunday

This Sunday was superbowl Sunday. I'm not totally sure who was playing. I heard something about there being a "patriotic victory" so I'm assuming that one of the teams has a patriotic name, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me on iota. I'm not a football fan. I can't think of anything more boring that watching a bunch of guys walk around the football field for five or ten minutes doing nothing and then fighting for a few seconds over a mishapen ball (You would think that with all the money they make they could buy each of those guys their own ball so they don't have to fight over one. They fight so much over it, the ball gets squashed)

Now, I'm not the only person who doesn't like football. Yet, many of those people will follow the Super Bowl (and not just to see who disrobes this year). The do so because it is expected of them. Someone I was talking to was afraid to not go to a Super Bowl party at work, even though they had church at that time, because they were afraid of "how it would look" to their co-workers.

Okay, so, what does this have to do wtih love and Valentines Day. A lot of people are the same way about dating and marriage. They play the game even though their heart isn't in it. They believe, like many watching the Super Bowl that it is something they are expected to do. I know I did for years. I would vacilate from thinking I should have a boyfriend and try finding someone online or in the personals never really succeeding. Even going out with a guy who spent most of our time talking about how I could help him with business advice just to stay in the game.

Consequently, Valentines Day (a February traditon much older than the Super Bowl) became a dreaded day. It was the day that one kept score in a way. And I hit the day and always had a big zero on the score board. One more year of losing the game. And what's more like those people watching the game Saturday who really don't like football, I really didn't even want to win in this game. I knew I wasn't marriage material and while that doesn't make me less than human, I thought it did. My best destiny lay outside of marriage and family.

Now, I have never been one to plunk down and suffer through the Super Bowl just because everyone else was doing so. I went to church. I watched part of a Keeping up Appearances marathon on PBS, Part of a Monk marathon on USA and finished up by watching three Law and Orders on NBC. And did not feel left out at all. And I have never felt any compulsion to try to be a football fan one day out of the y ear to "fit in."

So, then why did I feel that way about love and Valentines Day? I don't know. Maybe because it is a bit more universal than football, but the numbers themselves should not make a difference in the person that I am. So, this year, I face Valentine's Day the same way I face the Super Bowl. It's great for those who are dating and married. But it's not for me. And I'm not going to worry about it.

I need neither romanatic love nor a Valentines day gift to let me know I'm loved. My friends, family and most of all God have already demonstrated that to me and God in particular wrote me a love letter and signed it in red.

The Myth of Having it All

Back in the early 1980's Helen Gurley Brown wrote a book called Having it All. It struck a chord with that materialistic culture of that decade. It basically told women that you can devote yourself entirely to family, entirely to a career, entirely to sexual fulfillment and basically you don't have to make any trade offs at all.

Women and men both adopted "Having it all" as a synonym for the good life. But "Having it all" is a LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The true art of living. The true path to success lies not in having it all, but in managing the trade offs. So, what does this have to do with being a committed single. Well, for some of us it means a great deal. I know for myself, I am called to devote myself in a major way to my career and the ministries God has given to me. Actually, I see little distinction between the two. Even though I teach in a secular setting, I am helping people reach their goals and help others. So, it is as much a calling as my internet evangelism. Those are high priorities for me.

When I am honest with myself, I must admit they are much higher on my list of priorities than a husband could ever be. So, yes, I might get married, but with my husband not only being in second place, but possibly in fourth or fifth place, I would not be having a satisfying marriage. In my life then one of the trade offs I must make is a level of devotion to a career and ministry for a relationship.

Does this mean one cannot have a career and a relationship. Of course, not. But it means that there is a level of devotion to a career that goes beyond simply being a good professional. For some of us it means going way beyond what it necessary to what is over and above the requirements of the job. For instance, I am developing a number of innovative course offerings, designing online courses, developing an internet radio station proposal, pushing back some of the frontiers of how we do education. I could not do that and devote an adequate amount of time to a husband. I could have a poor marriage, but who wants a poor marriage just for the sake of being married.

Life is about choices. Somewhere along the way I chose not to be ordinary or even excellent in my career, but to be a pioneer and an academic explorer. That choice meant that any relationship other than that with God first and my field second would be unsatisfactory.

But as my last posting said, once I realized that this is the type of person I am and I let go of the idea of trying to have it all or to sacrifice what really mattered to me in exchange for a relationship. Once I let that go, an incredible wave of joy flooded over me.

I don't need to "have it all" to be happy. I just need to have the best God can give me. And when I accept that and cease striving for more I find that indeed I do have it all.

A Small Gripe

A couple of days ago I was in a pizza parlour waiting for my pizza and saw on the TV some celebrity then and now show. The segment I saw had to do with some rising movie starlet. I forget which one, there are so many out there being co-produced by the Hollywood star machine and the Beverly Hills plastic surgery machine.

They showed picture of this woman when she was in high school, talking about her life then. "She was on the yearbook committee and played saxophone in the band. she wore glasses then. But look at her today. She went from Geek to Chic." And they showed pictures of her then in the band and one of her in some ballgown costing more than the budget of some third world countries.

Looking at the photos, I thought the high school girl looked just fine. But mostly I was just a little bit angry that somehow because this girl who made music and engaged in graphic design (both perfectly good and noble pursuits) is considered to be a better person today than she was then because she can pretend to be other people on the big screen and she has contact lenses, a wardrobe mistress, and apparently no longer makes music.

What worried and angered me is the message this sends to young women (and young men in other stories) about what it means to be a valuable person. As one who has been called names like "geek" and "freak" and "nerd" I know that those are not just words, they are emotional bullets fired directly into the heart of your self esteem. Hearing them once or twice you can shake them off, but hearing them over and over and over again eventually kills your confidence and your validation of worth.

When the media compounds that by depicting the studious youth as a dud and the shiftless athlete as a stud. When it depicts the band member, debater or student journalist as ugly and undesireable and the scatterbrained cheerleader or party girl as beautiful, we send a message that looks are all that matter.

Many women using the personal ads to find relationships complain that they may be having a great online chat with a guy or exchange of emails until they send a photo. At which point the guy disappears. Are these "ugly" women? Probably not, but they are not the glamour girls of screen and stage and more invidious is that we have been taught that not being physically attractive makes one inferior to the person who is the glamour queen or king. Nobody says that outright, and in some ways it would be better if they did, you could counter it and the message would be seen to be absurd on it's face. Einstein, Schwitzer, Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, and many others we know to be great people today were hardly heart throbs. Yet, they would be "geeks" and "freaks" and "nerds."

So, today, it's time the "geeks" and "freaks" and "nerds" take back our dignity. Let's turn off the extreme makeover and plastic surgery shows. Let's stop idolizing the beautiful face and figure and begin valuing the intelligent mind and the compassionate heart. Most importantly, let us no longer view ourselves as geeks, freaks and nerds. We may not grace the cover of magazines, we may not have hundreds of admirers, we may even sit at home alone on a Saturday night (or better yet go out alone), but that does not mean we are worthless. Regardless of what Star Jones (hardly a glamour queen herself) standing on a red carpet outside a theatre may say.

So take up your saxophone and remember your debate and yearbook days with pride. Put on your glasses. because you and I guess I are very beautiful regardless of what those other voices tell us.

Single but not Isolated

I am a happy single person. I like my solitude and my alone times. Nothing wrong with that. However, I have a tendency, which other happy singles sometimes share. I have a tendency to isolate myself from others. I'm more likely to turn down an invitation to dinner than accept, to avoid parties, to watch TV rather than go to a concert. In other words cut myself off, in my personal life, from human contact.

Now, some of us, for whatever reason, are consitutionally more introverted than others. We work well alone. We are comfortable with our own company. We like solitary activities like reading or watching TV.

However, there is much to be gained from interacting with others. Other people stimulate your thinking and problem solving in ways you can't do on your own. They provide you with outside perspective. They help you cope with the difficult times in our lives. They also help us celebrate our joys.

Just because I have chosen not to marry or date does not mean that I should cut myself off from others totally. And I can do this easily enough. I teach college. I have taught face-to-face classes for almost 20 years. Recently I've been teaching online. I'm good at it and I enjoy it greatly. I'll be doing half my load online by fall. But I am setting a personal limit at 50 percent. It would be too easy for me to just sit at home at a computer and do all my human interaction on line.

A message board, some emails and IM'ing on occassion can build a type of relationship, but it is not the same as a voice on the phone, a hand held or a hug received. We are, after all, physical creatures. God made us that way and we need that physical connection with others.

Sometimes people say, "Why do I need to go to a brick and mortar church. I can read my Bible on my own, pray to God and even fellowship with others online. That's easier." And trust me that is tempting to me. Not have to deal with someone's overwhelming cologne, being able to choose what music to listen to rather than have to put up with the selections of the worship leader, and if the sermon I'm reading or listening to online offends me, well I can just surf away. It's easy, it's safe, it's sanitized, and its most of all impersonal.

Disembodied worship and fellowship is easier. But I'm not sure it's better. I'm not sure relationships are meant to be easy. Church relationships no less than others.

It is certainly easier and safer for me to sit at home, type on my computer, teach invisible students, build invisible friendships, even attend an invisble church. But that doesn't make me a committed single. It just makes me a hermit. And my house becomes my cave, a cave with bars on the door separating me from the ebb and flo of life around me, watching it go on, but not being part of it.

I've been there before. I sawed through the bars and escaped and I will not return.

Valentines Day is Coming

It's coming, the day that strikes terror in the heart of every unattached single. That's right! You survived it last year, but it has returned to tear at your heart, dump loneliness upon you, take pot shots at your self esteem, and make you feel like you are totally unloved and unwanted. That's right. Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Someone mentioned something about it today, and before I knew it I felt the old angst. That depression of knowing that another holiday celebrating love will come and go without anyone in my life to love and be loved by. One more year of watching happy couples bring candy and flowers and baloon bouquets to each other. Another year of other people getting heart shaped cards saying "Be my Valentine."

But is it true after all that I am all alone in the world. Not really. I have a great church, family, friends and co-workers who care about me. I am loved by my mother, my sister (though she might tell you otherwise), a passel of neices and nephews, my friends, my pastors, and most importantly my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Now, that's not too shabby for a valentines day bunch of love.

No, I don't have a boyfriend or husband. But that doesn't mean I don't have love. Romance may not be a part of my life, but love is all around me (and I'm not even Mary Tyler Moore). So, as this Valentines Day approaches, I will celebrate my own loving relationships. And on the Saint's Day I may gather some of the folk together and go out. After all, I don't really need a man to go out on a date.

Joyful

This weekend I was talking to someone I've known for years. And she commented that in the past few weeks I seemed happier than I had been in months.

I think this is true. There seem to be a lot of things resolving themselves right now. I'm starting to come out of a bad time financially, someone who had been harrassing me online has gone away, ministry is good, my career is going as I want it to go, but I think the biggest thing in my mood shift has been my finally making peace with the person I am.

This is not the first time I've decided to remain single. I've done it often before, but always for poor reasons. I did it once (well more than once) because I felt that I was just too ugly to attract anyone. Another time, when I think I really was beginning to understand that my life is best lived as a single, I did it "for the sake of the ministry." This was actually true in a way because the type of ministry I was in at the time made having a spouse problematic. But I approached it as this big sacrifice I was making. I was trying to make something natural, something noble.

But this time it isn't giving up, it's giving in to the truth of my own nature. I am best and happiest when I am not in a relationship with someone or even looking for that relationship. It's like a relief to admit that not only do I not need a husband, I don't even want one.

It's like I've been let out of a cage of my own design. I let the images of a coupled world wall me up. I bought into the idea that to live alone means that you are either a loser or a selfish person. I was trying to push myself into a life which was not mine.

So, it comes back to being who you are. If you are designed for a relationship pursue it with all your might. If not, well, then maybe it may mean that your path to happiness, like mine, lays elsewhere.

Learning to Play

I don't know if most committed singles are driven or if it is just me. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Most of my life I've felt the need to justify my existence by producing stuff. And I do it well. I write, teach, design web pages, lecture, create educational programs. What I don't do so well is play.

I'm not totally sure where it all began, but I think it had something to do with fourth grade. Back in my day that was the year they ran the IQ tests. Personally, knowing what I know about the tests I doubt their value and validity beyond simply predicting how well someone might do with certain types of problem solving and pattern recogntion. But they seemed to think it was a big thing back then.

Well, my score was a few standard deviations above the mean. Okay, it was 165. The mean is 100. Anyway, to this day I hate IQ testing. The teachers started treating me like a small adult. The kids didn't really want to play with me much as it became clear that I was 'teacher's pet.' And besides playing wasn't "mature." I was 9 for crying out loud and was expected to be mature. And what's even sadder is that I succeeded in that effort.

Everyone had great expectations of me. And I felt the obligation to meet or exceed them. I averaged 28 units a quarter in college. Fifteen units was considered a full load. One quarter I took 33 just to see if I could. Understand, this is sick. This is not bragging; it is confessing.

I was an addict, but I had an addiction which brought me praise instead of censure.

Today, I can rest, but I'm still not too good at recreating. I walk in marathons, but I doubt I'd do that if it wasn't done to raise funds for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I went to the concert a few weeks ago, but I felt guilty.

So, since this is the time of resolutions, I resolve to learn how to play. Now, I always believe a goal requires an action plan and accountability standards. So, here is what I will do this year:

1. I will attend the symphony at least four times this year.

2. I will attend some type of entertainment (concert, play, etc) at least once a month.

3. I will reduce my committed time to provide opportunities to be spontaneous.

4. I will take at least 1 hour of personal time a week and keep a journal of the things I did during that time.

Okay, so this is a bit off topic. But maybe others reading this struggle with work addiction as well. I've been productive and I'll continue to be productive, but I'm also going to learn how to play.

Voices

Who are you listening to regarding your life? As I have talked to others about being a committed single, I find an occassional person who has said, "That's what I should have done, but everyone thought I s hould marry _____. And now we're married. It's okay, but not that great." Mind you, I don't hear it often, but occassionally I am hearing this.

It seems to me that in many areas of our lives, we as singles listen to way too many voices which are neither our own or God's. Some of these are the voices of our friends. They are well meaning, they want us to be happy and assume that even a bad relationship is better than no relationship. Some are the voices of parents wanting grandchildren. They may be married voices who having found happiness in their marriages, that marriage is the key to your happiness as well. It may be the voice of the one you are dating. He or she may be in love with you, but the question is: Are you in love with him or her? No one person can have enough love for both parties in a relationship.

The voices of society also chime in. Employers and co-workers asking why one has come to the office party alone or veiled hints about the "stablizing effect" of marriage. The popular media also sings to us about how one must always be in a relationship and how one who is not is either pitiful, miserable, selfish or a loser.

Whether you are single until you find the right person, or you are a committed single, the only voices to listen to are those of your own heart and that of God. Remember, those voices are of people who do not have to live your life. And they don't have to go home at night with that person who "is just right for you."

The Other Relationship

When you ask people, "Are you in a relationship?" They will reply, "Yes, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now" or they will say, "No, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago." I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way we have redefined the word "relationship" to mean only a romantic relationship. But there are many other relationships we have. We have sibling relationships, parental relationships, and we have friendships.

Yet, how often, do we treat our friendships as a lesser relationship than the others. Now, don't get me wrong. Family needs to take priority in our behavior. One must never neglect spousal or parental responsibilities for a friend. But rarely do we find such a conflict. What I mean here is that we should not treat them as less important than those other relationships.

This is expecially true for singles. Sometimes we feel deprived of companionship because we are not currently married or dating. But are we really deprived? Do we not have friends to talk to, to go to lunch with, to take in a movie or ball game with, to just hang out with.

Of course, we must be careful to nurture those friendships even when we are in a romantic relationship. Any relationship will die with neglect. We cannot expect to ignore our friends except when we are not dating.

I have been guilty of saying as a committed single that I am walking this path alone. That isn't true really. I have others walking it with me. I have family and I have friends. Companionship is just a phone call away. I just need to remember that when I think that I am doing a "solo act." Those friends of mine are standing in the wings just waiting for my signal to come on stage and join me in the great song of life.

On Being a Committed Single

I hope you don't mind me "thinking out loud" about something that has been perculating in my brain for a few days now. We often talk about "committed relationshps' usually meaning marriage or serious courtship prior to marriage. And making a commitment to another human being is so significant and a serious move. It is not to be taken lightly because your life changes and is limited in certain ways. You give up something to gain something.

I'm beginning to believe that there is also such a thing as a "committed singleness". Much like a committed relationship it is a deliberate act of the will. It is not to be taken lightly. It changes your life, your expectations and your relationships. And you give up somethings to gain other things.

Maybe before continuing, I might explain what I mean by "committed singleness." First, let's look at what I don't mean. I don't mean "giving up." Being a committed single does not mean that one has simply come to the conclusion that they are no good and nobody could love them. Until one gets past that belief they really can't truly commit to a single lifestyle. Likewise, it isn't single by default. A commited single is not someone who simply hasn't found the right person yet, but is still looking. A commited single also is not someone who isn't looking, but says, "Well, I'm not looking, but if someone presents themselves I might be interested." The committed single also is not someone who is dating romantically, but simply avoids marriage. They aren't even truly single if they have boyfriends and girlfriends.

The committed single then is one who has chosen to remain single as a lifelong commitment. This is done freely with the assurance that they could have gotten married at some point in their lives, but they had other priorities. Those priorities may include a demanding career, a ministry, or a philantropic pursuit which they could not pursue with the vigor they can as a single person. It would also include those who know that they are not a person cut out for marriage and rather than enter a poor marriage they choose a single life.

I know this is a difficult concept for a modern person to embrace. Of course, it is really an old concept. Many religions throughout history have ministering souls who have chosen a single, celibate life in order to serveall men and not just those of spouse and children.

Until the 15th century, doctors were trained in ecclesiastical schools and took a vow of celibacy in order to pursue their profession. As late as the late 1800's women schoolteachers were expected to resign when they married. A woman choosing a lifelong profession of school teacher was essentially choosing a single, celibate life. Indeed, there was a place in society for the "old maid schoolteacher." And this woman was usually honored by generations of children she had taught and cared for by the community in her declining years.

However, today with greater freedom to form relationships in many professions, the "old maid" and the "confirmed bachelor" are viewed with more pity and derision than honor.

So, why would someone choose a commited single life? We have already mentioned in previous posts the idea of a good fit. For many of us we do much better alone than as part of a couple. And when we try to play the "couple game" we fail because it actually isn't what we want or need out of life.

Secoindly, many of us are in fact committed to other activities at a level that a spouse (or even a boyfriend or girlfriend) would take second or even third place. Indeed, the time involved in forming such relationships would be grudgingly given up from activities which are actually higher priorities for such individuals than a spouse or lover.

I understand this. You would be spending at least 2-3 hours a day in activities relevant to being married. Quality time together. Scheduled activities. Couples functions. All of which take time. At just 2 hours a day devoted to your marriage, that's over 700 hours a year extra that you have if you are not in a relaitonship. That is like adding 43 sixteen hour days (adjusting for sleep) to the year, or about the equivalent of a month and a half. That's a lot of time to pursue a career or an avocation or creative pursuit like art or music or writing or snowboarding whatever is satisfying to the person.

Now, please I'm not trying to "sell" this. I'm simply saying that one does sacrifice time to build a relationship. And for most people, that is time well spent. But some of us given the choice between the relationship and the job, the ministry, the creative pursuit, the charitable activity will choose the latter. That doesn't make us bad people. It makes us different people, but people who probably should commit to a single life otherwise we will produce unhappiness in our home either by denying our nature and putting the relationship first, or more likely, by putthing the activity, ministry, career first and the spouse second causing them to become unhappy. Nobody wins in such a marriage.

Of course, choosing to commit to singleness is not something to be done lightly any more than commiting to marriage should be done lightly. It needs to be carefully considered. One needs to pray long and hard before choosing to live life as a single person and to not pursue a relationship.

Now, you may be saying, "Why not pursue a relationship?" Well, why not, but don't consider yourself a "committed single" if you are still looking. Would you marry a person and say, "I have committed my life to the person until something better comes along." That's not much of a commitment. Something may well happen to change your mind. Your priorities might shift. Just as something might seriously go wrong with a marriage. But just as one would not enter into a marriage with the thought of divorce in mind at the start, one should consider lifelong committed singleness as a commitment as strong as that of a marriage.

Me, I see it in part as a commitment to God. One reason, marriage isn't a good fit for me is that I have ministries which I can only pursue at the level I do as a single person. That's a strong commitment. That's why when for a time I began looking for a spouse, I was miserable, my self esteen dropped, I was depressed. It's was like I wasn't being faithful to my commitment. Once I returned to it, I felt better, and at peace.

It probably would be easier if there were some social ritual to celibrate commiting to a single life. I have fantasized abiout a committed single shower. People could bring the same types of gifts they give married couples like toasters, but you would only need the small versions of each. You could also have a single commitment ceremony where you make the choice known to your friends in a spirit of hope and celebration. Of course, our world isn't ready for such a thing. Maybe it never will be. The number of people for whom this is best is very small.

So, we need to celebrate individually. Let people know carefully being aware that many will believe we are "giving up" or throwing away something great. We are limiting our opitions. That is true. But every commitment limits your options. Getting married limits your options greatly. As does taking a job or joining a church or going to school. No one said we would ever have it all. The question is how do we manage the trade offs.

I know this has been a bit rambling. It is a relatively unformed idea right now. But maybe it is something that others might have considered as well.

Married or Single? Which is Better?

Someone read yesterday's blog in which I mentioned advantages and disadvantages of being single among other things. She said something about knowing a woman who was in her sixties who would say the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

In a way this bothered me. Not because I feel the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, but rather because I don't think the comparison is valid. I also worried that some might think I am against marriage. I am not. I am for marriage. I think for most people it is the best thing that can come into their lives assuming they marry the right person and are willing to work on the marriage. However, I'm not most people and therefore it is not right for me..

This is not a competition. It is not inherently better or worse to be single than married or married than single. Both can be equally satisfying to different people.

You see, it really depends on the person and the point of view. For instance, I don't have a husband waiting for me in bed at night when I'm working on the computer. As a happily committed single, that's a relief. I don't have to worry about him wanting me to come to bed. But if I was someone whose best destiny would be marriage, I might think, "I have no one to hold me and keep me warm at night, no one to share the most intimate act two people can share."

You see everything about a single life or a married life can be seen as both an asset and a liability. It just depends on what that person is like.

Unfortunately, I think I can understand where my correspondent is coming from, though. Single people are often treated as though we are either incredibly selfish or incredibly miserable. I've seen more than one television show or movie where the single person is treated as though they are missing something wonderful and are less than fulfilled because they took a path which led toward a commitment to a career or personal pursuits rather than one to a family. So, it is easy to cop an attitude and say, "Well, single people are really the ones who are happy."

Instead of asking "Married or Single? Which is better?" We should be asking "Should I be married?" Marriage isn't for everyone. Now, don't get me wrong. I believe sincerely that the Bible teaches that singleness also means celibacy. So, choosing a single lifeis not something to be taken lightly, but then neither is getting married. Both require a type of commitment that many of us are unwilling to give. Commited singleness is not simply defaulting to being single, it is committing to a celibate life. That is not for most people. But some of us also are not cut out for married life.

It is wrong for either marrieds or singles to act superior to the other. Also it is not healthy for the happily married or the happily single to envy the other. I went down that road the past couple of years and it is miserable. Finding that fit we talked abut in a previous entry is really what life is all about.

I believe that I have found that fit in a single, celibate life. I wish you God's guidance to find what it the perfect fit for you as well.

Limping through Finals

Well, I'm nearing the end of finals week. Yesterday I collected about 300 pages of papers to grade. I'm about a quarter of the way through and I have until Monday noon to get all the grades in. This is probably a good time for me to NOT be married. Currently, I have most of the living room floor covered with papers. I am still working at almost 2 a.m.. And, frankly, I'm more than a little cranky, especially after discovering that one of my students got my gradebook and entered grades for four students who have not turned in any work at all.

Anyway, I'm not real good company during finals week. I wonder how the married teachers do it. Teaching is not 9-5. While school is in session, I am always working on stuff at home. I had fantasies about evenings at home with my husband who was also a professor reading papers and listening to Mozart together, but I knew those were just fantasies. I'm sure they figure it out some way. For me it's just consumes me especially during finals. And, while I complain and get tired, I love the whole thing.

On the other hand, I've also been reminded of the liabilities of living alone this last couple of days. An old hip injury has flared up again. I am having some real trouble getting around. When things like that happen I often wonder, and maybe even worry a bit, what I would do in the event of some seriously disabling accident or disease.

Being alone can be a bit worrisome in that way. But then a few years ago, when I had a health scare for a few days, my niece stayed with me. I'm sure that could be arranged again. But I do wonder about old age and trying to maintain some independence. But whatever happens happens. And I will trust God that he will not abandon me for following Him.

Well, better get back to work, I still have a few hundred pages to go. Why did I ever assign these students these papers? Why? Why? Why?

Self-Esteem and Congruency

For the past several days I've been thinking about self-esteem. In general, I have fairly good self-esteem. I know my assets and liabilities. I'm thankful for the former and can live with the latter. Both are, after all, part of the person God has allowed me to become. Besides, I'm not always sure which are which.

The one area of my life wherein I have periodic trouble with self-esteem has to do with relationships. I don't think I ever expected to marry. I'm not even sure I ever wanted to. However, when I would try to play the "love game," flirt, or even think seriously about dating, suddenly my self-esteem in terms of my personal desirability would plummet. I am tall (5'11") but I became "too tall." I am intelligent, but I became "too brainy or pedantic". My hair was bad, my figure disappointing and my facial features repulsive.

Also, when pursuing having a relationship, I would feel lonely and rejected. I would feel flawed and - well - ugly. I could see no reason why any man would want to have anything to do with me.

However, when I set aside the possibility of having a relationship and seek to follow the path of a single, celibate woman, my sense of self-worth begins to rise. I realize that while I'll never grace the cover of a fashion magazine, that I have some attractive features. I value my intelligence as an asset rather than a liability. I see my sense of humor, gentleness and integrity as types of beauty that do not appear in a mirror but shine forth anyway. In short, I believe that had my life turned a different corner, I would have made someone a good wife.

So, why is it that when I commit myself to living a lifelong single life that I feel better about myself than when I am leaving myself open to the possibilty of a relationship? There are many reasons I'm sure. Some of which I'm certainly not going to discuss in an open forum. However, I believe the primary one is that my first, best destiny is to commit myself to a single life of work and ministry which I could not do if I were entangled with a relationship.

Back in the late 60's psychologist Abraham Maslow postulated a theory called self-actualization. It has been distorted over the years, but the basic idea is that everyone has a core self with is unique to them. This self has a need to be expressed through that persons life. Thus, the poet must write poetry, the artist must paint, the teacher must teach and so on. When we try to be something other than who we really are, then we feel the stress of incongruity.

It's like this. I have a size 12 foot (please don't tell anyone). That means it is very hard for me to find nice shoes. Usually there are only one or two pair in my size. About every couple of years or so I'll see a really cute pair of shoes but they are a size 11. They are tight and uncomfortable, but I buy them thinking they will stretch over time. They never do! I have a closet full of size 11's which eventually go to the Salvation Army.

When I try to live the life that I'm not intended to live, it's like trying to fit a size 12 foot into a size 11 shoe. It's a bad fit.

The problem is that for some of us the world is size 11 for most people and so we try to be size 11, too. I'm not so sure that I really wanted to be married to be able to share my life with a man, have daily companionship, build a relationship and a family with him as much as I just wanted to "fit in" with others.

So, when I tried that, it never worked. I could never really flirt effectively. I fear I sent "stay away" signals. I buried myself in school, work and ministry so much that I didn't have time for a relationship. And, here's the catch -- That wasn't bad!

I am not designed to be part of a couple. And when I try to do that, I'm like a car trying to be a boat. No matter how much you seal in the car, even if you get it to float, it isn't a very good boat. I'm not good at "being available" or "sending out the right signals." I never learned how to do that, but not because of any lack of skill or experience. I never learned it because I'm a car and not a boat. So, when I tried, I really wasn't into it and I did poorly at it. And men stayed away in droves. So, my self-esteem would fall. Remembering those times, those dates when the men made excuses to cut the dates short, all the times when they quickly told me that they were already in a relationship, even though none was evident, all that stuff came flooding back diminishing my self esteem.

But when I return to my commitment to live a single life devoted to serving God and others, suddenly I find myself feeling good about myself. I believe that I would have been good for some man. Of course, the truth is, I wouldn't but that's not a bad thing, because I'm good for who I am in Christ. And right now, He's the main man in my life.

A Turkey and a Smile

This evening I was getting some meat out of my freezer and saw the big 23-pound turkey I bought for Christmas dinner. I smiled when I saw it, because of what it symbolized. I was an only child. And then being academically inclined and not very good looking I found myself pretty isolated at a teenager and young adult. So, I really didn't build very many friendships along the way. In fact, I suffered from pretty heavy shyness, which is ironic, but not uncommon, for a speech major. I'm okay in front of an audience with a prepared speech and some predictability, but one on one in a social setting I didn't really know what to do and always worried someone would find out I didn't.

About 12 years ago, though, I began to take some tentative steps in reaching out to people on a level other than ministry and work. Along the way, I met my sister Tracy. Somehow we just clicked as best friends. That is really weird, too. She is flamboyant, doesn't know a stranger, is married with 8 kids, very outgoing and as expressive as I am reserved.

Tracy's personal history, though, was tragic. She was seriously abused as a child by her mother, who continued to harrass her as an adult. One day, she was talking to my Mom, and my Mom said, "Well, we'll adopt you." And so I acquired a sister and 8 neices and nephews along with 7 grand neices and nephews. Right now, I don't think about her as anything other than my natural sister.

So, this Christmas, I'll have a crowd over to my house. Friends who are family or is it family who are friends. And suddenly I realized, as I looked at that frozen bird filling up my freezer somewhere along the way without realizing it, I became what I thought I would never be -- A Social Person.

A Singles Holiday

It's less than 2 weeks until Christmas. This can be a time of mixed emotions for single people. We can get caught up in the joy of the hustle and bustle, the Christmas Carols, the parties and all. On the other hand, the emphasis on family and relationships can be hard. You go home for Christmas and everyone is there with a spouse or a boyfriend or girlfriend and children. Some dear relative inquires about your own prospects and are disappointed that you haven't decided to pick up a spouse by simply going down to the spouse-mart and bringing one home for the holiday season.

If you are away from home and completely alone for the holidays, it can be even rougher. Ironically, even people who intend to make things better for you can make them worse. A family at church "adopts" a single for the holiday and brings you home with them like a stray puppy or something.

So much of the depression we find over the holiday comes more from our expectations and the cultural images we have. Certainly, the holidays are a time for tradition, but why not start your own traditions. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have to go to my married sister's house for Christmas. I can have them over at my house. I can prepare the big dinner, give her (well not her really, since she can burn water, but her husband who is a great cook) a break. I can enjoy the baking and the holiday stuff by doing them myself.

And if I'm not where I can have family over, I can create a family by inviting friends, both married and single, maybe not for a dinner, but an open house with snacks and refreshment.

Or if that is impractical, I can get dressed to the nines, make reservations at the best restaurant in town for one, take a book either a favorite or one purchased as a gift for myself and go read and enjoy a great meal.

Or I could volunteer to help at a rest home or homeless shelter.

Or rent all the classic Christmas programs (The Grinch (the original cartoon with boris karloff), Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, and whatever) curl up on the couch with a pizza and egg nog and enjoy the day.

Perhaps the most important thing to do to beat the single holiday blues is to remember the reason for the season. This is not a celibration of gift giving or Santa Claus or even family, as fun or as important as that might be. This is the celebration of God choosing to come to earth, to live among us, teach us and finally give himself as a sacrifice for us.

Oh, and just a breif note, He was single.

Finding One's Place

I am becoming aware that part of the art of living is to find one's own niche in life and not necessarily "fitting in" with everyone else's ideas of how they should live. I know this isn't a dramatic revelation. We all know this at some level and yet how many of us actually live it. Now, I'm not talking about being silly or utterly eccentric. I'm not talking about walking down the street naked because you feel like it. Rather I'm thinking about the important things in life - like one's job, one's life ambitions, and one's relationships.

For the past three years or so, I have been stressing out off and on about relationships. Was I good enough to find a man? How would I go about it? Is it too late? Would I choose wisely? Would I have any choice at all? What had happened was this.

About 7 years ago I came to a point of decision, I could follow a certain ministry path whose demands on my time and energy would make pursing marriage impossible or I could follow after a relationship. At that time I chose ministry happily. I do not regret that decision at all. When that ministry began to conclude and I was able to pass it on to others, I guess I thought I could or maybe should "make up for lost time" and turn my attention toward finding a life partner if possible.

Now, here's the odd thing. While committed to celibacy, I felt good about myself. I saw myself as attractive, personable, enjoyable to be around in short - "A Good Catch" if that had been my choice. Once I turned away from that commitment and began to think about dating and marriage, I began to see myself once again as unattractive, boring, and someone no man would want to have anything to do with. I just couldn't bring myself to post the personal ads or chat with men other than on business. It seemed impossible to find someone.

But now that I have returned to the place I know I need to be, I am at peace with myself. I see myself once more as attractive in a modest sort of way, personable and enjoyable to be with. I feel -- FREE.

It's good to be who you are. And I am Terri, a single woman, and daughter of God. And that is all I need to be.

The Gift

Sometimes you need reminders. I made a detour a few years ago. I forgot what I was really about. I thought that because some of my ministries had changed that The choice I made then no longer applied. But I believe it does.

I found this piece in one of my files. I think it puts a diffierent spin on the idea of the "Gift of Singleness."

I belong to a number of email discussion lists. On one of the lists the other day a person had written of her loneliness and her desire to be married. Someone else (someone married, of course) wrote that maybe this woman had “the gift of singleness.” Her reply got me thinking about this Christian cliché we often throw around casually. She wrote:

Well, gee. There are so many things that I could say at this point, but I'll reserve myself to this: if I really had the "Gift of Singleness", then why would I be stressing over not having a special someone to go out with on Saturday nights?

As one who has chosen to remain single in order to pursue some ministries, which would be impractical to pursue if I were married, I can sympathize with the writer even though her response reflects a common misconception about the “Gift of Singleness.”

Those of us who are single, often hear others, usually those who are married talk blithely about “The Gift of Singleness” as if God selects certain individuals, says, “I have chosen you to live the rest of your life as a single person,” and then He takes away all desire for companionship and romantic love. It’s as if this “gift” of singleness is that which takes away from our humanity rather than enhances it.

I think where we’ve gone astray in understanding this by failing to appreciate one vital point: The "Gift of Singleness" is not for us. It is not even a gift that God gives to us. Rather the gift of singleness is a gift we give to God. We choose to not pursue marriage or even casual romantic relationships either for a specific period of time or for a lifetime in order that we may serve God in ways we cannot serve Him while we were married or dating.

That puts a different spin on this. Unlike the image painted by some married people, the “gift of singleness” is not a carefree lifestyle of freedom and self-gratification given to certain people by God through the removal of romantic desire. Rather, our singleness becomes a precious gift that we give to God. We commit ourselves to remaining free of romantic endeavors for a period of time or sometimes for a lifetime in order to have the freedom to pursue His ministry and not necessarily our pleasure.

As a young person during the days when I thought I would someday marry, viewed my virginity (another concept which has gone out of favor in our times) as a precious jewel one holds in trust for one’s spouse. I still think of this as the ideal way to enter a marriage. It’s old-fashioned, maybe even medieval, but I do think it is God’s plan for his people. For those of us who have chosen a lifetime of singleness, the celibate life doesn’t discard that jewel, but rather preserves it so that it may be presented as a symbol of a unique form of sacrificial service to Our Lord.

Put in that context, we can see that no gift worthy of the giving is without a cost. David said, “I will not offer unto the Lord my God of that which doth cost me nothing.” I have chosen this path as a lifetime commitment. But having or, rather, giving the gift of singleness does not mean I don't feel the normal human feelings of desire for that special person to share my life. It simply means that I attempt to direct that desire, when it comes, toward my service for God.

It is also important to note that choosing celibacy is not a “Second Best” option. Settling for being single because one is not good enough to be married. It’s not simply a matter of defaulting to singlehood because one has never had the opportunity to marry. Indeed, if one believes one is unable to find a mate, then no choice has been made at all.

For many years, I believed myself to be too unattractive (okay, let’s be honest, I believed myself to be too ugly) to ever marry. During those days, I could not possibly make the choice of singleness honorably. Then through a set of circumstances for a period of time I was able to see the potential for marriage as a possibility. During that time, I faced The Choice. I could follow a path which would leave myself open to marriage as a possibility, but in so doing, I could not pursue certain ministries with as much boldness as I could as a single. The choice was mine. I had the sense the God would honor whichever one I made. I chose ministry.
Now, most people are not faced with this type of a choice. Most can serve God to their fullest and have the satisfaction of a family. But some of us do walk away from the normal life of marriage and family to serve God in ways we couldn’t as married people.

Some may wonder why we can’t “have it all.” Many pursue effective ministries and have families. This is true. However, for some of us, the nature of our ministries either consume so much of our time that a spouse or children would suffer from not having us available to them, or the nature of the ministry would put them at risk. In my case, both of these were concerns.

But just because one chooses to offer to God the gift of singleness, it doesn’t mean one will not feel the pangs of loneliness. Indeed, one may feel them even more acutely. Satan loves to turn that loneliness back on you and tempt you to resent the ministry for which you have sacrificed. I have sat in church and looked around with tears in my eyes seeing nearly everyone in couples and knowing I would not have such a relationship in my life. And the enemy whispers in my ear, “See, what you have given up. Is the ministry really worth it? Besides, couldn’t you do just as much good even if you are married?” Or he uses the ever popular “God doesn’t care about you. He’s abandoned you.” And sometimes the especially powerful “Yeah, you act like this is your choice, but what chance did you have at marriage anyway. You are just giving to God what no one else could want.”

Satan is very good at showing you what you don’t have. But what I’ve gained is so much greater than what I’ve let go. The satisfaction of ministry is amazing. But even more amazing is the special type of fellowship I have with the Lord. In many ways, He is my companion, my lover, my spirit’s husband even. And while that is true for everyone, in my case He doesn’t share those roles with a human counterpart. So, while I miss the arms of flesh embracing my body, I am possibly more conscious of the arms of God embracing my soul. So, the rewards are, indeed, great. No, not greater than those provided by a Godly family. But not less than those either.

In many ways, I feel proud that God gave me a choice which allowed me to give Him a costly gift. It can never match the great gift He gave me on Calvary, but it’s a start. And price, thoughhigh, is but small change compared to what my salvation cost him. It’s not a fair trade at all, but it’s all I have to offer.

The Concert

Saturday I did something I've wanted to do for several years. I went to the San Francisco Symphony. For about five years I've had a standing appointment in The City (as we call San Francisco out here in the Central Valley) and I park just a block from Davies Symphony Hall. Several times I've promised myself that the next time I came to the city I was going to buy a ticket and go. I've even bought tickets on line a couple of times and something happened and I wasn't able to go. This time I simply dressed for the occassion went over and after my appointment bought a ticket at the box office.

There is one advantage of going to the Symphony alone. It is very easy to get a good seat. So many people buy tickets in pairs that in rows with odd numbers of seats, you have a good chance of finding a single.

At the box office, the woman selling me the ticket and I chatted a bit and she said, "You know it's good to just be spontaneous. Carpe Diem" Yes, I did "seize the day."

Mentioning this to someone, they complimented me on my "courage" to go to the symphony alone. Frankly, that's a lot less dangerous than driving to San Francisco alone, but somehow that is not seen as "dangerous" as going to a concert without a male escort.

Well, if I waited around until I had someone to go to a play or concert with I would never go. But in a way I understand. This is really the first event that I've gone to in about four years. The last one was a play at our local playhouse. I enjoyed the play, but about half way through I started looking around and realized that I was the only one there alone. I'm afraid I wasn't in a very good place at that time. My dad was struggling with altzeimers. I was helping take care of him along with my mom all the time realizing that when that happened to me I would be alone. And somehow from that struggle I also took away the idea that there was something wrong with me that I was alone. It sort of ruined the performance for me.

But I don't know why I let it. I have gone places alone for decades with no ill effects and enjoyed myself. I noticed at the concert Saturday there were several "loners" there. One interesting thing I noticed was that the singles tended to sit in the lower price seats, the balcony (or tier seating), and the seats directly behind the orchestra.

I imagine in part this is because many singles are young and don't have much money. And being single there is only one income. But I think it also has to do with the fact that it really is about the music for the singles. They don't need to impress their date by having orchestra seats or front row seating. Those seats are impressive, but frankly, do not provide the best viewing or listening perspectives.

Maybe that is both the plus and the minus about going to concerts (or movies or plays) alone. It really is about the event and not the relationship. You aren't there simply for something to do with this other person, but you are there to really get into the event on your own terms. Of course, the downside is that sharing something with a like minded person transforms the event into a component of the relationship. But in so doing one loses the purity of the experience of the concert. It's not like one is better than the other, but different and special each in it's own way.

In a way, I feel sorry for people who only go to places with others. It seems when I'm out with someone I'm only partially into the performance. I'm split between my enjoyment of the event and my estimation of how the one I'm with is reacting. But alone I am absorbed into the event itself.

Anyway, it was a wonderful time. I really need to do things like that more often. I tend to not "have fun" often enough. That is something I really need to work on. But that's another subject entirely.

Jusr One?

found this in my files and thought I would share it with you. I had written it for our women's ministry Valentines Day newsletter. There were all these articles about marriage and family and tributes from the women to their husbands. I also knew there were many single women in our church who felt their singleness painfully and that pain intensified during February. Indeed, many single women (especially those without children) feel marginalized by many women's ministries groups because of the heavy focus of such groups on marriage and family. This came out of that experience. Even though it's not February, I guess maybe it was something I needed to remember at this point in my life.

Just One? I have a pet peeve. When I enter a restaurant alone and the hostess looks around and says, "Just One?" I have to be careful to not think un-Christian thoughts. In fact, I'm tempted to say, "No, actually it's me and my six invisible friends." Aside from the sheer stupidity (obviously I'm just one person), there is also an implied criticism as if I am violating some cultural taboo by dining alone.

Okay, maybe I'm a bit overly sensitive, but there does seem to be a societal sanction against being single. This is especially true for women. It is assumed that any woman of quality is in a relationship and if not, then there must be something wrong with her. And often, we buy into this attitude ourselves. We begin to believe that unless we are married, we are somehow incomplete and flawed.

Sad to say even some churches reinforce this feeling. I heard of one church whose single's Sunday School class had a "graduation" ceremony when someone got married. It is no wonder that many Christian singles feel ashamed of their singleness.
This feeling for many is intensified around Valentine's Day. How sad that a day devoted to celebrating love causes many to only feel the pangs of loneliness. It seems like the world is going by in pairs and that you are the only one who is not in a relationship. You feel like you have been excluded from the whole of humanity. And worse, you begin to believe that you are unloved and unlovable.

But, we are loved! I believe that God has a special love for the single. After all, Jesus was single. Considering the culture of his day, that was bound to have been considered odd at the very least. Paul was single and somehow didn't see himself as incomplete.

Certainly, in our humanity we often feel lonely and desire a loving relationship. And God understands that. God may well have that someone special waiting for the lonely single. He may need to do a work in your life or in theirs before your relationship can flourish. Likewise, he may not have someone. He may be calling you to a single life. Either way, until that time, He is the Lover of your Soul, and if you are being called to the single life, then your life can still be extraordinary. His blessings will be more than enough and will never be "second best"! And when He calls you to the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, the Angel in charge will not say as you enter the banquet hall, "Just one?"

A New Direction

I have come to a realization that in all probability I will remain single the rest of my life, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It isn't exactly what I would have chosen in a perfect world, but I am aware that this is far from a perfect world.

Strangely enough, while in one way I'm grieving over the letting go of my hopes for a relationship, in another way, I feel a great sense of relief. You know, I missed my chances early on (assuming there ever were any chances). And it is really too late to go to the prom and have first dates with boys as nervous as me. And yes, that is a bit sad. And it is sad that I will likely never be kissed by a man or sit holding hands with my husband or even boyfriend in church. But, at the same time, I know that it is pretty late in the game to start (not start over, just start).

I have so many issues of my own about this - fear of rejection, fear of abuse, a personal conviction that no one would actually find me attractive or interesting - and while I know I could probably in time work through all those issues, the key word is TIME. While I am not ancient, I am also not young anymore. At 52 I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. And with my health problems, I don't really have the strength to pursue something which is a longshot for success anyway.

But the bottom line is, I don't see the payoff as worth the energy it takes. It's like this. I have a fear of escalators. I see other people using them and I am sure that I could probably learn to use them. I might even be able to over come my fear of them, but on the other hand, I only am faced with them once every few months and there are stairs or elevators nearby anyway. So, I don't really see the need to deal with that particular fear.

I guess the same is true here. I have an incredibly good life. I have family and friends, a great church, ministry opportunities, a job t hat I wake up in the morning saying "I get to go to work today, yippee!" (Okay, maybe not right after I wake up and not during finals week, but you know what I mean).

And everytime I begin to t hink about trying to go back as it were and do what I ought to have done at a younger age and find a husbandor even a boyfriend, I'm excited for awhile, but then I just begin to stress. Even when I'm not actively looking, but I'm "keeping my options open" I find myself stressed by the tension between my feeling that it is possible and the even stronger feeling that I am deluding myself.

So, it is time to let go and move on. As I have often told others, and even believe about myself, God made me a complete person as I am. I do not need a man to make me whole. I am already whole and complete in God. My happiness is not dependent upon anyone other than myself.

I actually wonder how much of my 'desire' for a boyfriend comes from implicit social pressure. I mean the world does treat those of us who never marry as a different social species. We are viewed as either losers, selfish, immoral or lacking in the ability to commit. I wonder how much of my angst over this comes not from an inner desire for male companionship as it does from a strong desire inside of me to be normal. I have always felt that I have lived my life a few degrees off of everybody else's reality. Well, maybe that's not a bad t hing or a good thing, it is just a thing like any other.

Being single can be seen as a curse or a blessing, but maybe it's neither. Maybe it just is, and what one does with it is what determines the outcome.