Someone read yesterday's blog in which I mentioned advantages and disadvantages of being single among other things. She said something about knowing a woman who was in her sixties who would say the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
In a way this bothered me. Not because I feel the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, but rather because I don't think the comparison is valid. I also worried that some might think I am against marriage. I am not. I am for marriage. I think for most people it is the best thing that can come into their lives assuming they marry the right person and are willing to work on the marriage. However, I'm not most people and therefore it is not right for me..
This is not a competition. It is not inherently better or worse to be single than married or married than single. Both can be equally satisfying to different people.
You see, it really depends on the person and the point of view. For instance, I don't have a husband waiting for me in bed at night when I'm working on the computer. As a happily committed single, that's a relief. I don't have to worry about him wanting me to come to bed. But if I was someone whose best destiny would be marriage, I might think, "I have no one to hold me and keep me warm at night, no one to share the most intimate act two people can share."
You see everything about a single life or a married life can be seen as both an asset and a liability. It just depends on what that person is like.
Unfortunately, I think I can understand where my correspondent is coming from, though. Single people are often treated as though we are either incredibly selfish or incredibly miserable. I've seen more than one television show or movie where the single person is treated as though they are missing something wonderful and are less than fulfilled because they took a path which led toward a commitment to a career or personal pursuits rather than one to a family. So, it is easy to cop an attitude and say, "Well, single people are really the ones who are happy."
Instead of asking "Married or Single? Which is better?" We should be asking "Should I be married?" Marriage isn't for everyone. Now, don't get me wrong. I believe sincerely that the Bible teaches that singleness also means celibacy. So, choosing a single lifeis not something to be taken lightly, but then neither is getting married. Both require a type of commitment that many of us are unwilling to give. Commited singleness is not simply defaulting to being single, it is committing to a celibate life. That is not for most people. But some of us also are not cut out for married life.
It is wrong for either marrieds or singles to act superior to the other. Also it is not healthy for the happily married or the happily single to envy the other. I went down that road the past couple of years and it is miserable. Finding that fit we talked abut in a previous entry is really what life is all about.
I believe that I have found that fit in a single, celibate life. I wish you God's guidance to find what it the perfect fit for you as well.
1 comment:
It's interesting to watch the developments of singleton as all the women "come out" and write heartfelt pieces staking a claim to the in-between no-man's land. There are lots of books coming out now I see. There was an article in the telegraph by a single lady explaining why she loves her single life and pointing out that something like 40% of londoners live alone or something to that effect and they're all so happy and free, but then she had to throw it out there that she has as many lovers as she wants. Just in the way she had to say she was sexually active, but lower down in the story after she'd explained why her strength is in singleton, I saw this is sad and sweet and amusing, because the worst thing you can be is celibate according to the mainstream. She left the impression that she has none of the benefits of a stable, loving marriage yet there was this parade of men waltzing through her revolving bedroom door, which didn't appeal to me. I'm not a traditional Christian, more of a progressive quaker type, and maybe God does want people to learn about non-possessive sex because certainly people choose to try this route, but I don't think this woman in her forties was being honest when she said it was fulfilling. Sex is designed to get into your soul ... so I don't judge but all that free love stuff and open marriages doesn't seem to come to a good end.
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