The Gift

Sometimes you need reminders. I made a detour a few years ago. I forgot what I was really about. I thought that because some of my ministries had changed that The choice I made then no longer applied. But I believe it does.

I found this piece in one of my files. I think it puts a diffierent spin on the idea of the "Gift of Singleness."

I belong to a number of email discussion lists. On one of the lists the other day a person had written of her loneliness and her desire to be married. Someone else (someone married, of course) wrote that maybe this woman had “the gift of singleness.” Her reply got me thinking about this Christian cliché we often throw around casually. She wrote:

Well, gee. There are so many things that I could say at this point, but I'll reserve myself to this: if I really had the "Gift of Singleness", then why would I be stressing over not having a special someone to go out with on Saturday nights?

As one who has chosen to remain single in order to pursue some ministries, which would be impractical to pursue if I were married, I can sympathize with the writer even though her response reflects a common misconception about the “Gift of Singleness.”

Those of us who are single, often hear others, usually those who are married talk blithely about “The Gift of Singleness” as if God selects certain individuals, says, “I have chosen you to live the rest of your life as a single person,” and then He takes away all desire for companionship and romantic love. It’s as if this “gift” of singleness is that which takes away from our humanity rather than enhances it.

I think where we’ve gone astray in understanding this by failing to appreciate one vital point: The "Gift of Singleness" is not for us. It is not even a gift that God gives to us. Rather the gift of singleness is a gift we give to God. We choose to not pursue marriage or even casual romantic relationships either for a specific period of time or for a lifetime in order that we may serve God in ways we cannot serve Him while we were married or dating.

That puts a different spin on this. Unlike the image painted by some married people, the “gift of singleness” is not a carefree lifestyle of freedom and self-gratification given to certain people by God through the removal of romantic desire. Rather, our singleness becomes a precious gift that we give to God. We commit ourselves to remaining free of romantic endeavors for a period of time or sometimes for a lifetime in order to have the freedom to pursue His ministry and not necessarily our pleasure.

As a young person during the days when I thought I would someday marry, viewed my virginity (another concept which has gone out of favor in our times) as a precious jewel one holds in trust for one’s spouse. I still think of this as the ideal way to enter a marriage. It’s old-fashioned, maybe even medieval, but I do think it is God’s plan for his people. For those of us who have chosen a lifetime of singleness, the celibate life doesn’t discard that jewel, but rather preserves it so that it may be presented as a symbol of a unique form of sacrificial service to Our Lord.

Put in that context, we can see that no gift worthy of the giving is without a cost. David said, “I will not offer unto the Lord my God of that which doth cost me nothing.” I have chosen this path as a lifetime commitment. But having or, rather, giving the gift of singleness does not mean I don't feel the normal human feelings of desire for that special person to share my life. It simply means that I attempt to direct that desire, when it comes, toward my service for God.

It is also important to note that choosing celibacy is not a “Second Best” option. Settling for being single because one is not good enough to be married. It’s not simply a matter of defaulting to singlehood because one has never had the opportunity to marry. Indeed, if one believes one is unable to find a mate, then no choice has been made at all.

For many years, I believed myself to be too unattractive (okay, let’s be honest, I believed myself to be too ugly) to ever marry. During those days, I could not possibly make the choice of singleness honorably. Then through a set of circumstances for a period of time I was able to see the potential for marriage as a possibility. During that time, I faced The Choice. I could follow a path which would leave myself open to marriage as a possibility, but in so doing, I could not pursue certain ministries with as much boldness as I could as a single. The choice was mine. I had the sense the God would honor whichever one I made. I chose ministry.
Now, most people are not faced with this type of a choice. Most can serve God to their fullest and have the satisfaction of a family. But some of us do walk away from the normal life of marriage and family to serve God in ways we couldn’t as married people.

Some may wonder why we can’t “have it all.” Many pursue effective ministries and have families. This is true. However, for some of us, the nature of our ministries either consume so much of our time that a spouse or children would suffer from not having us available to them, or the nature of the ministry would put them at risk. In my case, both of these were concerns.

But just because one chooses to offer to God the gift of singleness, it doesn’t mean one will not feel the pangs of loneliness. Indeed, one may feel them even more acutely. Satan loves to turn that loneliness back on you and tempt you to resent the ministry for which you have sacrificed. I have sat in church and looked around with tears in my eyes seeing nearly everyone in couples and knowing I would not have such a relationship in my life. And the enemy whispers in my ear, “See, what you have given up. Is the ministry really worth it? Besides, couldn’t you do just as much good even if you are married?” Or he uses the ever popular “God doesn’t care about you. He’s abandoned you.” And sometimes the especially powerful “Yeah, you act like this is your choice, but what chance did you have at marriage anyway. You are just giving to God what no one else could want.”

Satan is very good at showing you what you don’t have. But what I’ve gained is so much greater than what I’ve let go. The satisfaction of ministry is amazing. But even more amazing is the special type of fellowship I have with the Lord. In many ways, He is my companion, my lover, my spirit’s husband even. And while that is true for everyone, in my case He doesn’t share those roles with a human counterpart. So, while I miss the arms of flesh embracing my body, I am possibly more conscious of the arms of God embracing my soul. So, the rewards are, indeed, great. No, not greater than those provided by a Godly family. But not less than those either.

In many ways, I feel proud that God gave me a choice which allowed me to give Him a costly gift. It can never match the great gift He gave me on Calvary, but it’s a start. And price, thoughhigh, is but small change compared to what my salvation cost him. It’s not a fair trade at all, but it’s all I have to offer.