A New Direction

I have come to a realization that in all probability I will remain single the rest of my life, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It isn't exactly what I would have chosen in a perfect world, but I am aware that this is far from a perfect world.

Strangely enough, while in one way I'm grieving over the letting go of my hopes for a relationship, in another way, I feel a great sense of relief. You know, I missed my chances early on (assuming there ever were any chances). And it is really too late to go to the prom and have first dates with boys as nervous as me. And yes, that is a bit sad. And it is sad that I will likely never be kissed by a man or sit holding hands with my husband or even boyfriend in church. But, at the same time, I know that it is pretty late in the game to start (not start over, just start).

I have so many issues of my own about this - fear of rejection, fear of abuse, a personal conviction that no one would actually find me attractive or interesting - and while I know I could probably in time work through all those issues, the key word is TIME. While I am not ancient, I am also not young anymore. At 52 I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. And with my health problems, I don't really have the strength to pursue something which is a longshot for success anyway.

But the bottom line is, I don't see the payoff as worth the energy it takes. It's like this. I have a fear of escalators. I see other people using them and I am sure that I could probably learn to use them. I might even be able to over come my fear of them, but on the other hand, I only am faced with them once every few months and there are stairs or elevators nearby anyway. So, I don't really see the need to deal with that particular fear.

I guess the same is true here. I have an incredibly good life. I have family and friends, a great church, ministry opportunities, a job t hat I wake up in the morning saying "I get to go to work today, yippee!" (Okay, maybe not right after I wake up and not during finals week, but you know what I mean).

And everytime I begin to t hink about trying to go back as it were and do what I ought to have done at a younger age and find a husbandor even a boyfriend, I'm excited for awhile, but then I just begin to stress. Even when I'm not actively looking, but I'm "keeping my options open" I find myself stressed by the tension between my feeling that it is possible and the even stronger feeling that I am deluding myself.

So, it is time to let go and move on. As I have often told others, and even believe about myself, God made me a complete person as I am. I do not need a man to make me whole. I am already whole and complete in God. My happiness is not dependent upon anyone other than myself.

I actually wonder how much of my 'desire' for a boyfriend comes from implicit social pressure. I mean the world does treat those of us who never marry as a different social species. We are viewed as either losers, selfish, immoral or lacking in the ability to commit. I wonder how much of my angst over this comes not from an inner desire for male companionship as it does from a strong desire inside of me to be normal. I have always felt that I have lived my life a few degrees off of everybody else's reality. Well, maybe that's not a bad t hing or a good thing, it is just a thing like any other.

Being single can be seen as a curse or a blessing, but maybe it's neither. Maybe it just is, and what one does with it is what determines the outcome.