Joyful

This weekend I was talking to someone I've known for years. And she commented that in the past few weeks I seemed happier than I had been in months.

I think this is true. There seem to be a lot of things resolving themselves right now. I'm starting to come out of a bad time financially, someone who had been harrassing me online has gone away, ministry is good, my career is going as I want it to go, but I think the biggest thing in my mood shift has been my finally making peace with the person I am.

This is not the first time I've decided to remain single. I've done it often before, but always for poor reasons. I did it once (well more than once) because I felt that I was just too ugly to attract anyone. Another time, when I think I really was beginning to understand that my life is best lived as a single, I did it "for the sake of the ministry." This was actually true in a way because the type of ministry I was in at the time made having a spouse problematic. But I approached it as this big sacrifice I was making. I was trying to make something natural, something noble.

But this time it isn't giving up, it's giving in to the truth of my own nature. I am best and happiest when I am not in a relationship with someone or even looking for that relationship. It's like a relief to admit that not only do I not need a husband, I don't even want one.

It's like I've been let out of a cage of my own design. I let the images of a coupled world wall me up. I bought into the idea that to live alone means that you are either a loser or a selfish person. I was trying to push myself into a life which was not mine.

So, it comes back to being who you are. If you are designed for a relationship pursue it with all your might. If not, well, then maybe it may mean that your path to happiness, like mine, lays elsewhere.