Self-Esteem and Congruency

For the past several days I've been thinking about self-esteem. In general, I have fairly good self-esteem. I know my assets and liabilities. I'm thankful for the former and can live with the latter. Both are, after all, part of the person God has allowed me to become. Besides, I'm not always sure which are which.

The one area of my life wherein I have periodic trouble with self-esteem has to do with relationships. I don't think I ever expected to marry. I'm not even sure I ever wanted to. However, when I would try to play the "love game," flirt, or even think seriously about dating, suddenly my self-esteem in terms of my personal desirability would plummet. I am tall (5'11") but I became "too tall." I am intelligent, but I became "too brainy or pedantic". My hair was bad, my figure disappointing and my facial features repulsive.

Also, when pursuing having a relationship, I would feel lonely and rejected. I would feel flawed and - well - ugly. I could see no reason why any man would want to have anything to do with me.

However, when I set aside the possibility of having a relationship and seek to follow the path of a single, celibate woman, my sense of self-worth begins to rise. I realize that while I'll never grace the cover of a fashion magazine, that I have some attractive features. I value my intelligence as an asset rather than a liability. I see my sense of humor, gentleness and integrity as types of beauty that do not appear in a mirror but shine forth anyway. In short, I believe that had my life turned a different corner, I would have made someone a good wife.

So, why is it that when I commit myself to living a lifelong single life that I feel better about myself than when I am leaving myself open to the possibilty of a relationship? There are many reasons I'm sure. Some of which I'm certainly not going to discuss in an open forum. However, I believe the primary one is that my first, best destiny is to commit myself to a single life of work and ministry which I could not do if I were entangled with a relationship.

Back in the late 60's psychologist Abraham Maslow postulated a theory called self-actualization. It has been distorted over the years, but the basic idea is that everyone has a core self with is unique to them. This self has a need to be expressed through that persons life. Thus, the poet must write poetry, the artist must paint, the teacher must teach and so on. When we try to be something other than who we really are, then we feel the stress of incongruity.

It's like this. I have a size 12 foot (please don't tell anyone). That means it is very hard for me to find nice shoes. Usually there are only one or two pair in my size. About every couple of years or so I'll see a really cute pair of shoes but they are a size 11. They are tight and uncomfortable, but I buy them thinking they will stretch over time. They never do! I have a closet full of size 11's which eventually go to the Salvation Army.

When I try to live the life that I'm not intended to live, it's like trying to fit a size 12 foot into a size 11 shoe. It's a bad fit.

The problem is that for some of us the world is size 11 for most people and so we try to be size 11, too. I'm not so sure that I really wanted to be married to be able to share my life with a man, have daily companionship, build a relationship and a family with him as much as I just wanted to "fit in" with others.

So, when I tried that, it never worked. I could never really flirt effectively. I fear I sent "stay away" signals. I buried myself in school, work and ministry so much that I didn't have time for a relationship. And, here's the catch -- That wasn't bad!

I am not designed to be part of a couple. And when I try to do that, I'm like a car trying to be a boat. No matter how much you seal in the car, even if you get it to float, it isn't a very good boat. I'm not good at "being available" or "sending out the right signals." I never learned how to do that, but not because of any lack of skill or experience. I never learned it because I'm a car and not a boat. So, when I tried, I really wasn't into it and I did poorly at it. And men stayed away in droves. So, my self-esteem would fall. Remembering those times, those dates when the men made excuses to cut the dates short, all the times when they quickly told me that they were already in a relationship, even though none was evident, all that stuff came flooding back diminishing my self esteem.

But when I return to my commitment to live a single life devoted to serving God and others, suddenly I find myself feeling good about myself. I believe that I would have been good for some man. Of course, the truth is, I wouldn't but that's not a bad thing, because I'm good for who I am in Christ. And right now, He's the main man in my life.