Sunday, February 3, 2008

The Un-Marriage Ceremony

I've been talking to a committed single friend of mine about how the married people have all the breaks beginning with the wedding itself. It starts with a shower where you get gifts. Then there is the wedding itself where you can wear a beautiful long white dress, attended by your friends, in the presence of your family and friends. Oh, and you get more gifts.

Well, we should get equal time. It should start
with an Old Maid shower. After all, just cause you are single
doesn't mean you couldn't use a toaster, a crock pot and some nice
dishes (not to mention some cool lingere). Then the ceremony. You walk down the aisle alone with your friends behind you to show that just because you are not
married you are not alone. You could then pledge yourself to God as a single person to serve him and his people. Your friends then pledge themselves to you as supporting you as their friend.

Then you have a reception (and another set of gifts) And you go on a
great trip on your own to celebrate. Maybe instead of Niagra where water falls down into a great chasm, we'd go to Yellowstone where Old Faithful pushes tons of hot water heavenward.

Okay, I'm only half joking. In some ways, a point of commitment at
a given place and time in the presence of your community of faith
might actually provide a type of respectability to being single by
choice.

I am a big believer in the power of ritual. Change points in our lives are marked by them. Graduations, parties, sweet 16 or quincinnera (sp), weddings, dedications,
baptisms, they all celebrate the passages of life. They also draw a line between the old and the new.

Most of us come to many of our passages gradually. We spend years studying to reach graduation. We gradually fall in love or come to the point of commitment to Christ. But all of these processes culminate in some sort of community celebration, a time of joyful sharing with family and friends, and possibly most importantly a
specific date and time that you can point to and say, "That's when my life changed."

It isn't true, actually. It had been changing for some time, but it gives one a point of change and a certainty of decision. While one may well divorce or backslide or decide their education wasn't worth the work, there is still that single moment in time
which defined a portion of their life. It was also a point in time when it was made public. The decision was confirmed as valid by the presence of the community to witness the culmination of the working out of that decision.

One does not hear someone say a day or two after getting married, "Well, maybe you'll change your mind and divorce the boy. You need to leave your options open. God may have someone else for you."

Yet, more than once after telling people about my decision to remain single, I've heard, "Well, that's fine, but keep your options open." It is as if my commitment to serving God as a single is less valid than that made to serving a man in marriage. If I am serious about my vow (yes, I will use that word) to God and my family and friends that I will remain single in order to serve others and God in a way I
could not as a married person, then I would not "keep my options" open any less than if I had made a vow to be faithful to a husband.

Maybe a ceremony of some sort would provide the closure we need and our family and friends need in order to see this as a valid life path which is no less committed than marriage.

I doubt such a thing will be seen in my lifetime. Perhaps never. The numbers are too few for whom this path is best. Still, it would be nice to have some sort of ceremony, if for no other reason than to be the center of attention in a long white dress.

1 comment:

blogNATHI said...

I wouldn't hold my breath. It's only a matter of time before a structure is put in place for women, a sisterhood in Christ,(I don't know how this is for men but they can participate too) who feel themselves called to be part of a sort of modern open order of nondenominational "nuns", to use an old dusty word but which means you function in society and hold positions of power and your energy is dedicated to Christ. And you can make up your own vows and ceremony or you can use an established form that's set up to express the essence of the universal commitment, if you choose to utilise ritual. I think this would be important because you would be recognised as something of great value and not feel like a loose thread hanging around. You would gain respect that would make mentoring and other work in the world more productive, and gain a community to share and deepen the experience. And you could have good company who understands you for a tour of art history in Italy if you chose to.

Thanks for your articles Terri. They have been a wonderful inspiration and exactly what I was looking for today. Take care, Sally