On Being a Committed Single

I hope you don't mind me "thinking out loud" about something that has been perculating in my brain for a few days now. We often talk about "committed relationshps' usually meaning marriage or serious courtship prior to marriage. And making a commitment to another human being is so significant and a serious move. It is not to be taken lightly because your life changes and is limited in certain ways. You give up something to gain something.

I'm beginning to believe that there is also such a thing as a "committed singleness". Much like a committed relationship it is a deliberate act of the will. It is not to be taken lightly. It changes your life, your expectations and your relationships. And you give up somethings to gain other things.

Maybe before continuing, I might explain what I mean by "committed singleness." First, let's look at what I don't mean. I don't mean "giving up." Being a committed single does not mean that one has simply come to the conclusion that they are no good and nobody could love them. Until one gets past that belief they really can't truly commit to a single lifestyle. Likewise, it isn't single by default. A commited single is not someone who simply hasn't found the right person yet, but is still looking. A commited single also is not someone who isn't looking, but says, "Well, I'm not looking, but if someone presents themselves I might be interested." The committed single also is not someone who is dating romantically, but simply avoids marriage. They aren't even truly single if they have boyfriends and girlfriends.

The committed single then is one who has chosen to remain single as a lifelong commitment. This is done freely with the assurance that they could have gotten married at some point in their lives, but they had other priorities. Those priorities may include a demanding career, a ministry, or a philantropic pursuit which they could not pursue with the vigor they can as a single person. It would also include those who know that they are not a person cut out for marriage and rather than enter a poor marriage they choose a single life.

I know this is a difficult concept for a modern person to embrace. Of course, it is really an old concept. Many religions throughout history have ministering souls who have chosen a single, celibate life in order to serveall men and not just those of spouse and children.

Until the 15th century, doctors were trained in ecclesiastical schools and took a vow of celibacy in order to pursue their profession. As late as the late 1800's women schoolteachers were expected to resign when they married. A woman choosing a lifelong profession of school teacher was essentially choosing a single, celibate life. Indeed, there was a place in society for the "old maid schoolteacher." And this woman was usually honored by generations of children she had taught and cared for by the community in her declining years.

However, today with greater freedom to form relationships in many professions, the "old maid" and the "confirmed bachelor" are viewed with more pity and derision than honor.

So, why would someone choose a commited single life? We have already mentioned in previous posts the idea of a good fit. For many of us we do much better alone than as part of a couple. And when we try to play the "couple game" we fail because it actually isn't what we want or need out of life.

Secoindly, many of us are in fact committed to other activities at a level that a spouse (or even a boyfriend or girlfriend) would take second or even third place. Indeed, the time involved in forming such relationships would be grudgingly given up from activities which are actually higher priorities for such individuals than a spouse or lover.

I understand this. You would be spending at least 2-3 hours a day in activities relevant to being married. Quality time together. Scheduled activities. Couples functions. All of which take time. At just 2 hours a day devoted to your marriage, that's over 700 hours a year extra that you have if you are not in a relaitonship. That is like adding 43 sixteen hour days (adjusting for sleep) to the year, or about the equivalent of a month and a half. That's a lot of time to pursue a career or an avocation or creative pursuit like art or music or writing or snowboarding whatever is satisfying to the person.

Now, please I'm not trying to "sell" this. I'm simply saying that one does sacrifice time to build a relationship. And for most people, that is time well spent. But some of us given the choice between the relationship and the job, the ministry, the creative pursuit, the charitable activity will choose the latter. That doesn't make us bad people. It makes us different people, but people who probably should commit to a single life otherwise we will produce unhappiness in our home either by denying our nature and putting the relationship first, or more likely, by putthing the activity, ministry, career first and the spouse second causing them to become unhappy. Nobody wins in such a marriage.

Of course, choosing to commit to singleness is not something to be done lightly any more than commiting to marriage should be done lightly. It needs to be carefully considered. One needs to pray long and hard before choosing to live life as a single person and to not pursue a relationship.

Now, you may be saying, "Why not pursue a relationship?" Well, why not, but don't consider yourself a "committed single" if you are still looking. Would you marry a person and say, "I have committed my life to the person until something better comes along." That's not much of a commitment. Something may well happen to change your mind. Your priorities might shift. Just as something might seriously go wrong with a marriage. But just as one would not enter into a marriage with the thought of divorce in mind at the start, one should consider lifelong committed singleness as a commitment as strong as that of a marriage.

Me, I see it in part as a commitment to God. One reason, marriage isn't a good fit for me is that I have ministries which I can only pursue at the level I do as a single person. That's a strong commitment. That's why when for a time I began looking for a spouse, I was miserable, my self esteen dropped, I was depressed. It's was like I wasn't being faithful to my commitment. Once I returned to it, I felt better, and at peace.

It probably would be easier if there were some social ritual to celibrate commiting to a single life. I have fantasized abiout a committed single shower. People could bring the same types of gifts they give married couples like toasters, but you would only need the small versions of each. You could also have a single commitment ceremony where you make the choice known to your friends in a spirit of hope and celebration. Of course, our world isn't ready for such a thing. Maybe it never will be. The number of people for whom this is best is very small.

So, we need to celebrate individually. Let people know carefully being aware that many will believe we are "giving up" or throwing away something great. We are limiting our opitions. That is true. But every commitment limits your options. Getting married limits your options greatly. As does taking a job or joining a church or going to school. No one said we would ever have it all. The question is how do we manage the trade offs.

I know this has been a bit rambling. It is a relatively unformed idea right now. But maybe it is something that others might have considered as well.